The Sublimity of Forgiving Yourself

Silver Linings Vol. 2, No. 4

This is the second of two blog entries on forgiveness. 

Mary Elizabeth Naegele

Last week our painter Edman arrived with his crew to lighten and brighten two rooms that have long been distinguished by color saturation: a 12-foot red accent wall in our dining room is now cloud white and our deep orange family room is now a soothing, pale gray-blue. Dark curtains in the family room were replaced with white ones, and the dark cherry floor of our dining room is now white oak.

“Light, bright and warm in tone,” our architect son had suggested, and that design philosophy seems an apt metaphor for springtime – and perhaps an ideal disposition for each of us. 

Among the burdens that can keep us from feeling light-hearted and uplifted are unresolved mistakes and our own failure to forgive ourselves.

My friend Mattie* texted a passage from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: “How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don’t need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again.” 

How exhausting and fruitless! And familiar.

Yet there’s no time like the present to ponder releasing ourselves from the bondage of regret, shame, or guilt, and all the accompanying misery.

Like love, forgiveness is an act of the will, and the fruits are priceless: psychological, emotional, social, and even physical well-being. That is true whether we’re forgiving others or ourselves and whether we are motivated by religious belief or not.

Beating yourself up “How often is God glorified when you beat yourself up?” asks Fr. Mike Schmitz in an Ascension Press Media video. “That doesn't happen. Why? Because that's not your good. God loves you and he wills your good. So will your own good.” 

Fr. Mike acknowledges that it’s difficult for us to forgive ourselves and proposes three reasons why, along with a solution.

“I don't necessarily think that it's just because I committed this sin, that I failed to live up to this objective standard,” he says. “I think it's that there are consequences that I have a tough time living with, or because people found out and now they see me in a new light, or because things are out of my control.”

He counsels to take the consequences you have no power over and the shame you feel and “put them under the Lord Jesus: ‘God, I can't do anything here; if there's anything more I could do, I would do it. I place them under your dominion; you get to be Lord of all of it. If you're Lord of all of it, I'm lord of none of it. When I want to beat myself up about the shame of it, I’m going to resubmit it. I'm going to once again place it under you. Jesus, you are the Lord of my life, and that means you're the Lord of those broken parts, too.’”  

Fighting despair “At times when I feel more strongly the regret for my sins and the irreversible damage I’ve done, I can have trouble forgiving myself,” says Mattie. “Of course, I then feel sad because I can’t change the past,” she adds, pointing out that such sadness is devilish rather than helpful. 

“As a mother, I know I would forgive my child anything. To not believe that Our Lord can forgive me is forgetting that I am a daughter of God. It also means I don’t believe that God’s infinite mercy doesn’t, for some reason, apply to me. 

“I will always feel regret, sometimes strongly, but I try not to let it make me sad or despair. I try to think of others who I have no trouble believing were forgiven, like Mary Magdalene, St. Paul, Blessed Alessandro Serenelli (Maria Goretti’s murderer) and many others. I remind myself that not to forgive myself is a temptation of the devil, but to forgive myself brings joy, gratitude and compassion for others in their weaknesses and failings.”

Making amends Magdalene says that at a low point as a mother she felt she was “worthless and had wrecked it all. It was a complete consequence of all my bad choices.” Calling her sons “a tribe of rebels,” she says their rebellion was in response to their mother. “Part of the problem was my fault; they were scandalized by my behavior. I was a strict, authoritarian mom,” she says. 

After seeing what she considered her part in her sons’ rejection of their family’s values, “I was desperate and out there alone.”  

“I went to Confession with the realization of my part in their rebellion. Afterward I felt our Father God say, ‘I was with you the whole time. It’s true. You scandalized them. That doesn’t change my love for you. I love you and I forgive you.’ 

“I felt that he knew I was trying my best with limited resources. I was a victim of human failure. I didn’t feel he was excusing me. It was important for me at that moment to own it.”

In the moment she felt God’s forgiveness, Magdalene says she was able to forgive herself. She calls it an ongoing process. “I don’t want to let it go altogether. I’m constantly trying to make amends. [She mentions cookie packages.] The resolution I made in that moment was that I never wanted to hurt people I love again, to never hurt anyone again. It was a pivotal moment of growing in love, refining my love. It was a deep, humbling moment.”

You can’t blame yourself “You try your very best not to slight another,” Julie says, “but somewhere along the line it can happen.” She wonders, “How do you forgive yourself?” Julie and her husband had a child with time-consuming, complicated medical conditions and she believes that one of her other children suffered from a want of attention. “She ended up with headaches, and they wondered at school, ‘Is something happening at home?’” 

The child, now grown, denies it to this day. “Oh, no, Mother,” is the response when Julie tries to apologize. “I’m constantly working to draw her out of herself, constantly trying to help the situation. She’s a faithful, good daughter.

“How do you forgive yourself?” Julie asks again. “You made a mistake and you have to live with it. You have to abandon yourself with humility and pray that they develop the way God wants them to do. You can’t blame yourself; you are who you are. You have to go to God with great humility. He wants the best for you and that party.”

Asking forgiveness “The biggest obstacle I face is my own unforgiveness of myself for past mistakes – even unintentional ones,” says Elizabeth.  

Despite that obstacle, she has come to see that asking – and receiving – forgiveness from another makes it possible for her to forgive herself.

“I needed to have a difficult conversation with my college son about a series of poor choices that were affecting his academic performance,” Elizabeth says. “I planned my conversation in prayer and as I sat with him to share my concerns, the words that came out were not what I had planned. Inexplicably, I heard myself say, ‘I was not there for you when I was busy taking care of your dying grandparents. I was going through a hard time emotionally and I wasn't able to be with you in those months – that turned into three years. I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.’  It was the beginning of a beautiful change in our relationship.”

There is no perfect mom Elizabeth passes on a pep talk: “I learned many years ago from a wise spiritual mentor that it's good to lighten up, to try to let go of the tendency to perfectionism, self-criticism, self-blame. There is no perfect mom. We will make mistakes, we will let people down, but we can face all of that with honesty, courage, gentleness and self-compassion. When we forgive ourselves as God forgives – which means forgiving and forgetting, not holding on to a ledger of past mistakes – we are set free. We are freer to experience what is good, noble and beautiful in ourselves and others, to find humor in our missteps, to live well in the gift of the present moment and concentrate on our own growth and on the ongoing building and repair of family relationships. We can finally feel peace as we make peace with our past.”

“Undo any damage…” No doubt each and every mother one could interview would have some regrets about times when parenting went awry – for as many reasons as there are mothers. I too have apologized to my children.  

A wise mother of many taught me this short prayer: Please undo any damage I did, and fill in where I missed, and I pray it regularly.

Insights from a clinical counselor Barbara Currano, a therapist in private practice in Clarksville, Md., has been helping families sort through their challenges for 15 years. 

“People have trouble forgiving themselves when they violate their own morals,” she says.  “A person might have done something years ago that did not violate her personal ethics at the time but then has a conversion and has trouble forgiving herself. It’s very common that women who had abortions 20, 30, 50 years ago are only now trying to heal.”

Another hurdle can be false guilt, as in the case of women who were sexually abused. “They may have been told it was their fault because ...’you’re so cute, so beautiful, you flirted with me when you were three years old.’ It can never be [the victim’s] fault,” Barbara emphasized. Marriage problems can be similar. “A spouse who emotionally or physically abuses his wife blames the wife, so she might have a problem forgiving herself for, as he says, ‘making him mad,’ or even for marrying him,” Barbara says.  “Again, she is not responsible.” 

Such cases often require therapy.  “It’s hard to get over false guilt,” Barbara says. “People often need help.”

Whereas forgiveness of others does not require reconciliation, it could be necessary to reconcile in cases where self-forgiveness is desired “by a person who has cut off a friend or relative on purpose,” Barbara says. “It’s not the friend or relative’s fault, it’s just that you’re angry. It might be necessary to reconcile in order to feel OK with yourself.” 

Reconciliation in order to forgive oneself is the case especially at the end of life. “If you cut off a person and you or they are dying, it may be necessary for emotional or spiritual peace to reconcile, especially if the cut-off was just out of your anger, and not for personal or emotional safety,” she says.

The non-religious and self-forgiveness While it is helpful to have religious convictions when taking steps to forgive oneself, it may not be essential, Barbara says, but in such cases, repetition is usually necessary. “You would have to make many acts, many decisions to forgive yourself over and over, especially for serious things like abortion, murder, sexual abuse,” she says. 

Self-forgiveness requires humility, Barbara says. “We need to accept ourselves as flawed and weak and in need of grace.”

* Names and in one case details have been changed to protect the innocent.

©Mary Elizabeth Naegele 2024

Finessing Forgiving Others

Silver Linings Volume 2, Number 3

This is the first of two blog entries on forgiveness. 

Mary Elizabeth Naegele

Toward the end of They Survived Together, a 2021 documentary about a family of seven who escaped Krakow’s Jewish ghetto under Nazi guards’ noses, the elderly son says he still can’t forgive his parents for a separation during part of that harrowing time that kept him from the rest of the family. Believing his parents dead as the separation dragged on, the boy eventually was restored to his parents by a marvelous coincidence after the liberation, when his searching father found him among a group of orphans in Budapest. 

Despite the happy ending, and even acknowledging that his and his family’s survival depended upon that separation, the son had not gotten past his hurt and resentment more than three-quarters of a century later. 

Steadfast in his refusal to forgive, his suffering continued. 

Forgiveness – and our need for it – is a daily struggle for many of us. 

A priest who is also a clinical psychologist was visiting our parish recently and celebrated Mass. The gospel was Matthew 18:21-35, where Peter, approaching Jesus, asks, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answers not seven times, but 70 times seven, amounting to continuous, infinite forgiveness. 

How can we forgive on that scale?   

What forgiveness Isn’t The priest began his homily by defining what forgiveness is not: 

It isn’t feeling good about the person who has injured you. It isn’t contingent on your receiving an apology, or reconciling with the person, or resuming common life. 

Forgiveness is an act of the will, the priest said. Through your willingness to forgive, you can choose to no longer suffer from the injuries inflicted upon you. You choose to recover, and begin to free yourself from the wounds of the injury. He acknowledged that the forgiveness may take a lifetime, and may not be complete in this life.

“If you brood over injuries because they come to mind, renew your decision to forgive,” the priest said. “It’s a decision, consequential, every time we recall an injury. It’s a discipline of the mind.” 

After reading the gospel, hearing the homily and watching the documentary, I went in search of forgiveness stories from friends. 

Forgiving the dead “I grew up in a family where no one actually said ‘I’m sorry,’” says my friend Margo.*  “They were just somehow incapable of it, perhaps because they’d never heard it themselves.” 

Not surprisingly, learning to forgive later was a challenge. “This forgiveness business is a process – at least for me – of repeatedly saying to Our Lord, ‘I forgive so and so,’ speaking of those who have already passed on, and then offering a prayer for that individual,” Margo says. “Our Lord forgives immediately and I want to imitate Him and be an instant forgiver… I’m not sure I am there quite yet, but I’m trying.”

Margo keeps trying because to give in would be to leave one’s work undone. “Without forgiveness there is a block, a wedge, an obstacle that keeps one stuck and possibly unaware that some action needs to be taken to resolve unfinished business,” she says. “People who can’t forgive or aren’t able to say they are sorry are trapped, perhaps without realizing it. They aren’t completely ‘free’ as hurts pile up. That robs them of happiness. One can’t be truly happy whilst holding a grudge. I have been so very fortunate to receive wise, compassionate and formative counsel from priests and spiritual coaches in order to learn to forgive, have peace, and move ahead on the journey of life.”

Forgiving a stranger who hurt a loved one “My husband was worried I might not marry him if I met his father – so I never did,” says another friend, Loretta.  “My father-in-law was an irresponsible parent; my husband did not have his basic needs met and would go to bed hungry as a little boy. He was subject to verbal and mental abuse and did not receive the love and dignity each child deserves. My eyes still tear up, especially when I imagine him as a little boy lost and feeling alone. Our son looks very much like his father did as a boy so I have little windows of a boy like that having to live through these painful experiences.” 

“I struggled with anger and resentment, feeling my husband had been robbed of the childhood he deserved,” she recalls. “I felt angry for the wounds he had to carry and sad about what he had to experience. Eventually I realized that these were not productive emotions. Through prayer and counsel, I was encouraged to forgive my father-in-law. It has continued to be an ongoing process due to moments that trigger sad memories.  

Shortly after their seventh wedding anniversary, Loretta’s father-in-law died in a car accident.

“Before he died, I’d imagined a time when we might meet and I could have a conversation with him to fully understand why he was the way he was. I imagined that he might ask for our forgiveness, and then I could forgive him. Since this was no longer a possibility, it turned into a conscientious choice to fully forgive and let go of my resentment. 

“I realized that despite how he mistreated my husband, my father-in-law still gave him life and is the reason why he is here and why our treasures, our children, are here. So I am very grateful for that. I am at peace.” 

A finishing touch Having been radically wronged by a man in another country decades ago, my friend Pippi suffered for many years. She eventually sought spiritual help and psychological counseling to good effect, but recently was moved to confront him. In a transatlantic telephone call she laid out for him the reprehensibleness of his action. 

Pippi felt her burden lift immediately. “What I needed was to bring it into the light and no longer hide it as a stain on me,” she says. “The healing had already taken place and had given me the strength to stand and say with clarity that [what transpired] was not OK. Out of the darkness and into the light. No shame.”  

“Did he apologize?” I wondered hopefully. 

Pippi can’t remember. “I didn’t need him to say anything,” she says. “His part was irrelevant. It had no power over me anymore.  I didn’t need anything from the person who had wronged me.” 

Visceral reactions to a name My friend Brigid’s mother-in-law was deeply hurtful to her for decades, excluding her and manipulating family dynamics. “It was gut-wrenching even if her name was mentioned,” Brigid says, and she struggled to forgive her. In the end, she says, a three-pronged approach – spiritual, intellectual and practical – gradually helped her to arrive at the forgiveness milestone. The first was confession and prayer, she says. “Confession is forgiveness and healing, right?” And there was advice. A priest would say, “You have to forgive. You’re only hurting yourself,” and another would say, “You have to let go of the resentment. It’s hardening your heart.” Brigid could see that they were correct, but still needed to understand.

Reading Helping Your Clients to Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Richard P. Fitzgibbons, MD, was “life-changing” for Brigid. Written for psychologists and psychiatrists, it made the rounds among ordinary citizens in the early 2000s. With its case studies and commentary, the book “showed me what I was experiencing and helped me let go,” Brigid says.

Still, she needed more guidance. A psychologist helped her “navigate the practicalities,” she said. “He gave me the tools to be able to go to family gatherings.” He would tell her, “‘Go, if you can, in freedom. Only one hour. Think of your husband, think of the kids.”

The last time Brigid saw her mother-in-law awake, the older woman was bedridden. When Brigid approached the bed, she was stunned when her mother-in-law said softly, “I’m sorry.” A week or so before her mother-in-law’s death, Brigid went by the hospital alone to see her. By then she was unconscious. Brigid sat beside her and prayed. 

“I continue to pray for her,” she says. “So much damage was done.”

Looking into the heart “At some point in my early thirties I had a revelation that I needed to forgive people in my life who had hurt me,” says Jane, now in her fifties. “I realized that I had the spirit of unforgiveness in me. It wasn’t so obvious to me; I am married with a great husband and children. I have friends, I practice my faith, and I thought I was living in the spirit of forgiveness. But I found out when I heard that an old boyfriend had gotten divorced that I had some work to do. 

“My first reaction was, ‘It figures,’ since he had treated me horribly. ‘Of course, he couldn’t make a marriage last.’ My second reaction was, ‘Oh my gosh, who am I not to forgive after all that God has blessed me with in my own life? And God forgives me for all my sins. How ugly of me to think ill of him whom I hadn’t seen in years.’ There were some good things about him. He is a child of God too and I want the best for him, which is Heaven. 

“I took a long, hard look at myself and asked God to show me who I needed to forgive in my life. I started praying for them and I forgave them in my heart. Ever since then I have learned that forgiveness frees us from the bondage of sin. And the only way to live my faith is to forgive. It’s what God calls us to do. Repent of my own sins, and live a life that is full of forgiveness, mercy, love. That means internally and externally.”

Ongoing renewal of forgiveness Julie says that she “grew up with so much love that if I had a problem, I moved away from it. I forgave it, prayed for it and let it go.” She said there were some grievances, by a boss and by siblings, that she has been able to let go, but one person remains a challenge for Julie to maintain forgiveness without effort. 

“My daughter married a womanizer,” she says, “and the repercussions are always in my face.” As a result, Julie finds that forgiving her former son-in-law is a constant. “I say, ‘OK, Lord, I forgive him,’ or ‘Jesus, forgive him, for he knows not what he did.’”

Forgiving vs. forgetting Petra said she received helpful advice from a priest “when I confused forgiveness with forgetting the occasion where I was hurt. I had already forgiven the person who hurt me deeply but there were times when the name kept coming up and I would relive the occasion,” she says. “The priest said that sometimes God reminds us of the people involved so that we can pray for them and for the actions of theirs that have hurt us. 

“That clicked for me and changed my entire thought process,” Petra says. “It was such a ray of light!”

Reach for the stars My friend Elizabeth remembers her parents telling her and her siblings, “Don’t judge the other person, just forgive them.” They taught her that “those who say offensive and hurtful things often are likely to be speaking from a place where they're not OK.”  

Elizabeth likes to tell the quintessential, big-hearted, swan-song Forgiveness Story of her dad. A physician, he was unwell for some time and began to suspect a missed diagnosis. “And it was pretty significant,” Elizabeth says. She and her sister accompanied their dad to the gastroenterologist’s office. 

“His doctor stood at the foot of the bed and said, ‘I will give up my medical license if we find anything in that colonoscopy that we haven’t seen before,’” Elizabeth recalls.

Her father replied, “Go back in and look like you’ve never looked before.”

Later the doctor returned to the room. “Well?” the dad asked. 

“I have not-good news and I need to hand you my medical license,” the doc answered.

Elizabeth says her father looked up and said, “Well, no, you’re a very good doctor. Thank you for looking again. Now what are we going to do?”

His daughters were aghast. Later he explained himself to them. “This must be very hard for him,” he said. “Don’t judge him.” 

Her dad was very forgiving and accepting, Elizabeth says. He died just under a year later of colon cancer.

Elizabeth has forgiven the doctor and so have her brothers and sisters, she adds. 

No doubt we too can achieve the peaceful, merciful level of Elizabeth’s dad’s forgiveness, and that of the above women, if we have the will, the heart, and the help to do it.

The priest-psychologist recommended asking for God’s grace to forgive.  “He commands us to forgive and he will help us,” he said.  

©Mary Elizabeth Naegele 2024

* Names have been changed throughout this article to protect individual privacy.

The Art of Sacrificing

Silver Linings Volume 2, Number 2

Mary Elizabeth Naegele

There’s an endless array of seasonal sacrifices being made by millions during these weeks as we move through Lent, with people forgoing superfluous food and drink, social media, television, coffee, elevators, hot showers, doom scrolling, online games, single-use plastics, snooze buttons and countless other consolations. “We’re happier when we’re a little bit uncomfortable,” I once heard a holy man say, and one can see what he meant. 

Most of us also make plenty of year-round sacrifices by the very nature of our lives. Five women, ages 21 to 83, explain below what sacrifice means to them and why they embrace it.

Sacrificing to raise another’s children If the ultimate sacrifice is to give up one’s life for country, person or cause, it could be argued that there are many types of penultimate sacrifices. One that springs to mind is giving up one’s life as one knows it to raise someone else’s children. Many of us have agreed to be listed in wills as guardians of friends’ and relatives’ children if needed, but few are actually called upon to do so.  

That was not the case of a friend of mine, now 61, whose own children were 17 and 19 when she and her husband found themselves the guardians of 8- and 9-year-old boys. She had been preparing to begin a graduate program and generally enjoy some freedom, and their pending arrival was literally a shock to her system. Eventually she pulled herself together and welcomed the boys with open arms. The sacrifices she made to raise them were enormous, and ten years later, her dealings with the young men, now on their own, continue to be challenging and sacrificial. Despite the suffering they cause, she accepts her lot with grace, thoughtfulness and a great deal of sacrificial love. She has the peace of mind of knowing she’s doing the right thing.

Sacrificing for adult children  “Living with adult children is not easy,” says Liz Kernan, 58, of Woodbridge, VA. “I had two under my roof until recently, when one purchased a new home and the other one moved in with her.  No sooner had I begun to enjoy my newfound freedom and solitude when another adult child who was in need asked to move in, and I said yes. Yet another adult child requires a five-hour round trip drive every week for a medical treatment, and I agreed to do it. These things are in addition to the sacrifice of my peace of mind when I see my adult children living far from God. 

“Most people equate a mother's sacrifice with the round-the-clock emotional, physical and spiritual care associated with raising young children,” Liz says, “but I have found that those sacrifices never end. And sometimes those sacrifices are harder to make because I am at a stage in my life when I feel entitled to sit back and relax a bit. 

“My Lenten struggle is to embrace the sacrifice rather than reluctantly resign myself to it, which is less pleasing to God.”

Overcoming prejudices “Sacrifice is often dying to oneself and one's own personal preferences in order to achieve something greater,” points out my friend Clare, a 59-year-old wife, mother and grandmother. “For me, it is most difficult to go against my love of self-comfort and having things go my way. As an example, I have a thing against tattoos. I thought I was being charitable by not remarking on them and trying not to judge those who have them. It is a struggle for me to take the big leap of  actually trying to love those with them,” she says. 

“About a year ago,” Clare says, “a friend who works at the front desk of a large business helped me change my mindset towards those who have tattoos. As part of her job, she greets mail carriers, delivery persons, caterers, executives, job applicants, etc. She makes an effort to get to know those she sees regularly. Over time she asks those with tattoos, ‘Could you tell your story about your tattoo?’  She says it has been a launch for many deep conversations.  

“I made the sacrifice of taking this approach with a young person recently and it led to a beautiful conversation. She explained that the tattoo was this o remember a dear person in her life who had died. The tattoo reminded her to pray for that person. My small sacrifice of opening the conversation [turned out to be] a big boost to our relationship.” 

Sacrificing independence and preferences Dr. Liliana Trivelli Alessandri, who died in June 2023 at the age of 84, was a wife, mother of nine and a medical doctor. Among her many achievements, she ran the blood bank of a New York hospital and performed research that was key in understanding diabetes. In a recorded Zoom conversation with Brenda Royden, coordinator of the Women 60 & Beyond program, a year before she died, Liliana talks about the sacrifices of old age. 

She describes how she was caring for her husband who was ill when her daughter told Liliana that she ought to have a medical alert button. “That was my first wake-up call, the button hanging from my neck,” she says. “It immediately gave me a different outlook on life. I’m an old lady and I didn’t know that…but she’s right. So for her sake – and maybe even mine – I got the medical alert.

“And then I started thinking,” Liliana goes on, “whatever I do, it has to be for the peace of mind of my children. My daughter really made me see that…when you’re 80 or more, even if you’re 100 percent healthy, for their sake you have to do things that you will not want to do. And that’s so important. Then all the virtues can be lived, the patience, the humility.”

Liliana had been diagnosed with cancer a week before that Zoom conversation, and so had to hire caregivers to help with her ailing husband. “I don’t want anyone during the night, because the lack of privacy is horrendous,” she says. “And with the cancer I don’t feel like an old woman either, but for [my daughter’s] sake I have to do all this stuff. When she comes I don’t give her all my negatives, with the workers or with me. I don’t go around [complaining]. I have to keep up the spirit so she feels that I’m just fine. It’s important to make her feel that I’m okay. I make brownies and she’s so happy. I made a cake – ‘Oh, Mom, that’s so good!’ Little things… make her feel that I’m not a basketcase.”

Liliana goes on to tell how she took Uber when she couldn’t drive due to a temporary medical device around her waist. “Live independence when you can.” She hoped to hang on to her driver’s license as long as possible, but accepted that the decision “will be determined by the anxiety of my children.” 

In the end, Liliana sums up her remarks by saying, “It’s so rewarding” to make the sacrifices that give peace of mind to her nearby daughter and son-in-law. “They’re happy, we’re happy, the other kids are happy.”

Sacrificing for the comfort of others “I think I always have ‘love is deeds and not sweet words’* playing in the back of my head,” says DeeDee Maloney, 62, of Kensington, MD. “When you love, it’s easy – or easier – to sacrifice. When we first fall in love, we struggle so hard to be on our best behavior, which means sacrificing our bad habits and defects. We’re willing to forego the comfort of slouching in our chair, interrupting a story, making a gossipy comment, and spend the extra time to look a bit nicer, because yes, there’s self-interest involved – we want that person to have a great perception of us, and we want that person to love us back. 

“At a deeper level we’re acting out of love because our goal of love is to make life more pleasant for the other, and of course to help them get closer to God. The sacrifices we make for others, that make life more pleasant, are one way others can feel God’s love, so it helps them grow closer to him. When we will to love that spouse forever, then we can’t slack off on the sacrifices for him once we tie the knot. It becomes how we show the love. It’s the extra details we put into making everything nicer for him and the family, the folded laundry, the tasty meal, the interest in the story he’s told 10 times.” 

No pain, no gain A young woman of our acquaintance, Moira Milligan, 21, a senior at Wyoming Catholic College, examined the topic of sacrifice for her thesis, titled "No Pain, No Gain: The Radical Nature of Sacrificial Love.” In a college podcast, The After Dinner Scholar, Moira talks about her paper and tells the story of Maximilian Kolbe, a prisoner at Auschwitz.

“This man is a Polish priest, [and] he himself is struggling,” Moira explains. “In a moment he steps out of line and takes the place of a man who is about to be condemned to starvation in an underground bunker, a man he does not know, and it's all because the man calls out, ‘My wife! My children!’ and Kolbe sees the need that this man has to be there for his family. Without hesitation he gives his life for him and dies a horrible death. We look at Maximilian Kolbe and we want to imitate him because he's an example of the most radical form of love that is gift of self, but Mother Teresa presses us to imitate him [when she says] we might not all be called to great feats of love, but we are called to do small things with great love.”

©Mary Elizabeth Naegele 2024

* From The Way, by Josemaria Escriva.

Art by Pierre Antoine Mongin. Courtesy of Art Institute of Chicago.

Reflections on Self-Care for Wintertime and Beyond

Silver Linings Vol. 2, No. 1
By Mary Elizabeth Naegele

How are you faring during these mid-winter weeks? Taking care of yourself to promote your own well-being can of course make you a better wife, mother, boss, employee, etc. It’s a matter of finding the time and seeing the importance of self-care – and not viewing it as selfish.

For me at present, that includes making sure I have at least half an hour in front of my Verilux Happy Light with the high-energy lens and several sources of Vitamin D-3, the better to mitigate seasonal affective disorder and to muster my wits. It also means getting out for a walk around my hilly neighborhood. The recent lovely snowfalls gave me the chance to watch my plucky toddler granddaughter sled down a hill and laugh when she fell off and to cross-country ski at a nearby park, real joy-sparkers that equal self-care. A silent retreat in the countryside is on the near horizon!

Self-care comes in a delightfully broad spectrum of antidotes that foster flourishing for each of us. Here are self-care narratives from four thoughtful women, ages 32 to 90. 

Under the stars before dawn Mimi Fallow, 68, of Alexandria, Va., craves outdoor exercise, and walking, biking and rowing are among her favorite means of boosting her well-being. She has rowed in a coxed sweep boat for 24 years, competing for part of that time and now as a club rower. Mimi became interested when watching her sons on their crew team in high school and began by attending a learn-to-row event. Three days a week during the seven-month season, she arrives at 5 a.m. at the Alexandria City High School Boathouse to join her fellow rowers in cleaning the dock, getting out the equipment and getting on the water. 

“We’re under the stars before dawn,” she says. “It really is time away. You have to be in the moment and concentrate, listening to the cox. It’s very intense, which is what I like.  

You don’t think about anything going on in your life. It's an escape from any responsibilities and to-do lists.”

Rowing brings Mimi joy. “I love to move with everyone in sync, coordinating with the people in front of me. It’s like dancing because you’re moving together as one.”

Corollary benefits include being strong and limber and having good balance, Mimi says. During the off-season she works out once or twice a week with other rowers, using a rowing machine, working with hand-held and body weights, and circuit training, and she walks a lot with a friend and their dogs.

Mimi, fourth from right, rowing at dawn on the Potomac River.

Releasing endorphins Mary Ellen Yep, 34, of Alexandria, has a busy life that includes her husband, two young daughters and a full-time job. A third daughter is expected in late February. For her, self-care means “a time or activity I do to basically detox from the busyness of life. It’s knowing what I have to do to get through the rest of the day.” Hot yoga does that for Mary Ellen.

A hot yoga class “raises endorphins like a six-mile run,” Mary Ellen says. “My overall mood is so much better, my mind is clear and sharper, and there’s no brain fog. I just execute and get things done, as opposed to when I’m not working out.” 

She explains that hot yoga “really helps the muscles to become relaxed. It’s more aerobic, burning more calories. It boosts the heart rate, and because you’re breathing so hard it can help increase your lung capacity. I sleep better and feel stronger. It eliminates toxins. You sweat a lot. You don’t want to know or recognize anyone on the street when you come out!”

The obvious benefits keep Mary Ellen going back. “It’s not difficult to get motivated. I’m an eager beaver wanting to go.” She takes her classes at Rising Sol in Old Town Alexandria. When she’s not expecting a baby she goes three or four times a week, and when she is, twice, favoring 6 a.m. and 7:30 p.m. class times. “A lot of joy comes from working hard in a class,” she says.

Drawing closer to God Sadie Martins, also of Alexandria, says “self-care probably means God-care.” She “takes care” of God with her prayer and spiritual practices and he takes care of her, it seems. She’s 90 years old and walks to Mass every day.

When she was planning to move to Alexandria from Charlottesville 25 years ago, Sadie took day trips to the city to search for a place to live. “Everything was expensive,” she says. On one visit she passed by the Basilica of St. Mary on Royal Street, and when she happened to look up she saw the statue of Mary in a niche in the facade. “I want something within walking distance of St. Mary’s,” she declared. A week later her agent found an affordable fixer-upper just blocks away.

“I seek to improve, to learn more about God, people, and cultures. I learn something every day,” she says, “and I make mistakes, too, at 90. You really have to be kind to yourself. God is proud of me. ‘She’s trying.’ God approves of that. I think God loves me and forgives me for my sins.

Daily Mass is Sadie’s foundational devotion. “The biggest thrill I get out of life is listening and being part of the Consecration* in the Mass,” Sadie says.

“I read the Liturgy of the Hours** through the day. It’s like a study, actually. I find it fascinating and a good way to keep on track. When I read about a certain saint, I think about that saint all day. I read some Psalms and think about them – they stay with you. Sometimes if I’m busy with people – or family – I still pray the Hours later, before I go to bed.”

Sadie is a Third Order Franciscan, which means following the charism of St. Francis of Assisi and St. Clare, foundress of the Poor Clares. Care for the poor has been a focus for her. She recently retired from a longtime volunteer stint at Christ House in Old Town. “I could cook for the homeless and serve them,” she says. “I loved it.”

Optimism and confidence Yet another take on self-care comes from Laura Kotchish, 32, a former professional makeup stylist living in Roanoke, Va. Now married and a stay-at-home mother to a young daughter, with another on the way, she has transferred her passion for makeup styling to baking cakes and sourdough bread, but still keeps her face in the game, so to speak.

“Self-care is how we present ourselves to the world, how we show up to serve,” she says. “It’s how we live our life on a daily basis. In living out beauty daily, we can help set a tone and standard in our environments that elevates the experiences of others around us.”

Laura makes a case for the correlation between effort with one’s looks and quality of life. “The way you choose to handle your personal presentation will ultimately have a significant effect on your sense of optimism and confidence, and on your ability to live life in the richest and most uplifting way. It’s not about basing your self-worth on how you look, but rather investing a little more time in your appearance that can help you to feel as if you’re putting your best foot forward.”

She adds, “Taking a few minutes in the morning on our appearance through simple makeup and dress is not just an expression of self-care, but communicates and conveys respect for others. When I feel good about my presentation, it allows me to engage more enthusiastically and positively with the world around me.”

Laura generously put together a list of beauty tips for maintaining skin during cold winter months and one of makeup tips for 60 & Beyonders. Younger readers may enjoy the second video tutorial linked below.

Laura recommends these products for a shorter routine

Video Tutorials

Makeup Brands to consider Affordable: Maybelline, Revlon, ColorPop, NYX Professional makeup, Makeup Geek, Elf, Covergirl, L’Oreal Paris, Milani, Beauty Pie Mid-range: Jones Road, Tarte, Glossier, Sephora, Urban Decay, HUDA Beauty. High-end: Estee Lauder, NARS, MAC Cosmetics, Dior, Yves Saint Laurent, Lancome, Bobbi Brown, Laura Mercier, Benefit Makeup Brush brands to consider Affordable: Elf, Real Techniques, BH Cosmetics Mid-range: Sephora, Sigma, Jones Road High-end: MAC Cosmetics, Bobbi Brown, Laura Mercier, Lancome Laura’s tip for brushes: In general, brushes should be washed once a week with a gentle shampoo like Johnson’s Baby mixed with a bit of antibacterial hand soap. Always wash brushes facing downwards towards the sink and lay flat to dry. “All my brushes have lasted since I was 18 because I maintain them properly,” she says.

Thank you for reading Silver Linings!

* "Consecration" at Mass is the moment when the bread and wine, by the words of Christ spoken by the priest and the invocation of the Holy Spirit, become the Body and Blood of Christ. The Eucharistic presence of Christ begins at the moment of the consecration and endures as long as the Eucharistic species subsist. opusdei.org

** The Liturgy of the Hours, also called the Divine Office, is based in the psalms. There are five “hours” during the day: Morning, Daytime, Evening, Night, and Office of Readings. Each one can take 15-20 minutes. Sadie prays the Morning, Evening and Night hours. She gets a calendar to help her navigate the books. There are tutorials online.  ©Mary Elizabeth Naegele 2024

Contemplating the Art of Christmas Gift-Giving to Adult Children and Grandchildren

Silver Linings Vol. 1, No. 8
By Mary Elizabeth Naegele

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring…except for Mom, who was placing beneath the tree piles of lovingly chosen gifts, wrapped in curated papers and beribboned in coordinating grosgrain, satin and velvet. 

After 35 years of the above, it has become clear that since purchasing for eight has burgeoned into purchasing for sixteen and counting, the longstanding practice of three gifts for each to mirror the three gifts for Jesus by the wisemen is not sustainable. The question for my family and me is how to amenably adjust, adapt and adhere to a new way of celebrating the birth of the Christ Child with gifts. 

Five friends with adult children and grandchildren were generous in describing their particular Christmas gift-giving practices and helpful with their insights. 

Germaine Milligan, 57, of Bow, N.H., who wins the prize for family size among my friends and acquaintances and has a refreshing no-nonsense clarity in her thinking, answered the gift question with her family a few years ago. She has 14 children, seven of whom are married (including a daughter to one of my sons), and there are 20 grandchildren this Christmas, ages one month to eight years. 

“It did not take too long to realize that it would not be possible to bestow Christmas gifts on each child and grandchild,” she says. The family eventually turned to drawnames.com to assign Germaine and her husband, their children and spouses each a name. “Voila! Each of us now has only one other relative for whom to purchase a gift,” she says. “In this way, a family member can concentrate time – very important – and money –  important – on only one person.” Aside from generating names, the website allows each participant to attach a wish list and links to desired gifts. The family established a $50 cap this year.

“I find the family chatter increases as siblings scramble to do something special for their assigned family member, checking with spouses or other siblings about likes and dislikes,” Germaine notes. “This exchange is my favorite part of the gift-giving spirit.”

Judicious choice of recipients
The gift-giving spirit at the Alexandria, Va., home of Barbara Furey, 66, begins after Thanksgiving, when she asks for wish lists from three daughters in their early thirties. “Thankfully they have simple tastes and look for sales,” Barbara says. Each daughter receives three gifts and her two sons-in-law each receive one or two. “We spend more on our daughters but I do not keep a [tally] and it seems as if all are equally happy and grateful.”

Barbara says that they do not purchase gifts for their daughters’ significant others until they are engaged. 

Books, clothes and experiences are favorite gifts, Barbara says. “One year we gave [a son-in-law] tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center, which they both enjoyed. We surprised [a daughter] with a cleaning service when she was expecting her first baby.” 

Barbara adds, “We wrap gifts a day or two before Christmas while listening to Christmas music and perhaps enjoying a glass of eggnog.”

A surprising about-face
Michele Cain, 65, also of Alexandria, has two daughters in their thirties, both married, and one grandchild. She had a long history of largess – traditionally bestowing 10 gifts apiece upon her daughters – until last year, when extenuating circumstances in the form of Christmas in Japan dramatically altered the family gift tradition.

By way of an online Secret Santa name-pairing service, the six were assigned a name, “and we each did our best with $100 to basically delight the person whose name we drew,” she explains. “We asked each person to put out to everyone their ‘hopes and dreams,’ and we also inquired whether there was any need.” 

The family traveled to Okinawa, where one of the daughters, a physician, is stationed with the Navy. “We were all in Japan together and we realized it’s not about the stuff. That was a lesson for me.”

“It was liberating,” she adds. “We all have so much, we all need so little, and we need each other.” Michele adds that the daughter who made her a grandmother announced the child’s coming on Christmas Day. 

Using presents as a presence for grandchildren
“Because we have so many grandchildren, the parents are on their own in the gift department,” Germaine says. “Now comes the disclaimer. As patriarch and matriarch, we greatly desire and think it is important for us to have a presence in the homes of our grandchildren since they all live [in Nebraska, Texas or Virginia], with visits few and far between. So I come up with a single gift for each family, like an outdoor swing or a set of desired books which are unaffordable for the family, or even something practical like new towels. This way, there is something in their home that they can point to and enjoy that comes from Papa and NuNu.” 

Barbara reports, “I bought copies of a new book, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas in Bethlehem Town’ by Leslie Bond Diggins” for her toddler and infant granddaughters in Virginia and Chicago, providing the girls a shared experience. They will each receive a couple more books and one or two toys. 

“It’s easier to talk a squirrel off a bird feeder than it is to convince a grandparent not to give gifts to grandchildren,” wrote Jason Gay in the Wall Street Journal recently. That brought to mind Michele, who sent a text after our conversation: “The unknown variable will of course be the gift-giving for Baby Blaze.” 

Thrifting grandmother
Out of necessity, Mary Hamm, 69, of Bethesda, Md., mother of 12, mother-in-law of 10 and grandmother of 26, sticks to a set budget for her grandchildren. “No more than $20. But I shop secondhand and ‘kid to kid,’ so some little ones may have a $5 gift or less,” she says. “I keep to basic, time-tested toys. Although I love Snap Circuits electrical kits, I only give them to those whose parents I know will help.”  

“I have one grandchild who is the only girl in a family of four, and we play American Girl dolls once a month,” Mary says. She has made many of the furnishings, including a horse stable for her granddaughter. “Teenagers move to a gift card,” she adds, “sometimes to a designated store.”

Celie McGurk, 72, of Palmyra, Va., says her children years ago “asked me to be very modest in giving gifts to our grandchildren. They didn’t want a lot of plastic, and they lived in small houses – rental houses – so they’d have to pack up and move it. So we gave a curated assortment.”

This year the McGurks, their five children, three spouses, and five grandchildren will stay in a house at a nearby mountain resort for Christmas. “We’ll give the older grandchildren an experience for their gift and treat them to a day of snow tubing or the indoor water park.”

“Let’s laugh – let’s be light and funny”
Celie’s family moved away from conventional gift-giving six or seven years ago when one of her daughters observed that they didn’t need “stuff” and that a new tradition was in order, something that would provoke much laughter and teasing. They came up with the idea of themed Christmases, making the gifts, food and tree decorations revolve around one subject. Over the years, “we’ve had Germany, Viking, New Mexico and Jewish New York tenement themes,” she says. “The gifts were silly. We had a $30 limit.” The presents were placed under the tree, typically including a variety of packages from Celie’s husband that disguised boxes of chocolate-covered cherries, and a game of Yankee Swap ensued. 

Another large family I know also does a Yankee Swap, to much hilarity and little expense. Aside from being economical, the game eliminates agonizing over what to purchase for people as well as disappointment when recipients feel misunderstood/unknown/unloved by the giver’s choice. In our family, the siblings have long drawn names from a basket during Thanksgiving weekend, and spouses have been added. When I floated the idea of a swap game a few months ago as a way to handle their gift exchange, my children who are genetically disposed to receiving and expressing love through gifts were horrified by the notion. I remain hopeful that they’ll someday see the wisdom of the idea.

Michele and Celie both noted that in their new ways of approaching gifts they use Christmas stockings to reach everyone individually. Celie includes something special like earrings for her daughters, and when directed by her sons for a generic need like a warm hat makes a personal choice for them. Michele adds meaningful items from family travels that she puts aside for each.

For all of us in the third-generation growth stages of family life – or even beyond, when circumstances and health change, the Christmas gift-giving question has to be answered. Have you had an epiphany on the matter that you’d like to share? Tell us in the comments section below.

Merry, Merry Christmas, and thank you for reading Silver Linings!

©Mary Elizabeth Naegele 2023

An examination of extended trips and stays away from home

Silver Linings Vol. 1, No. 7
By Mary Elizabeth Naegele

“Let’s spend a month in Wyoming,” my husband said in early January, soon after our son and his wife in Jackson Hole announced they were expecting a baby in August. A month! And that didn’t include a week’s driving on either end. Having never been away from our home for more than two weeks, it seemed to me a radical idea and gave me pause.

Five weeks in, I ask, “Shall we rent the same apartment next year?”

With retirement of 60 & Beyonders and their husbands comes the freedom, time and resources that make extended trips possible. Remote work opens up the possibility to the non-retired, as in our case. 

How do you prepare for such an absence? Can you pick up and leave behind so much of life – family, homes, plants, gardens, pets, doctor appointments, etcetera? Yes! Here's how several women I know described their long-term absences and how they navigated their adventures.

Craving a rural setting
After retiring from her job in development at the National Gallery of Art, Bonnie Hourigan, 72, was looking for a change. “I was ready to live in a quieter, more peaceful area with less traffic,” she says. Friends with a second home suggested she join them in Rappahannock County, Va., ninety minutes or so west of her home in Alexandria. Her first stop was Amissville, where she rented a log cabin built in the 1700’s for a year. She returned to her primary residence once a month or so to check on things and do errands, she says. 

That year was such a pleasure and success that she next rented a small “very pretty, very well done” cottage in nearby Little Washington. As with the Amissville property, Bonnie made herself so much at home that she created a garden at the cottage, “a real joy,” she says, and she spent a lot of time in prayer. She occasionally hosted small gatherings. 

“The first two years I absolutely loved it,” Bonnie says. She savored  “the rural settings, the ability to get away from busyness.” But eventually maintaining two residences, “keeping food in both places and doing all the household duties doubletime was exhausting,” she recalls. “I felt like I was always schlepping things.”

She moved back home full time…for a while. Then Hanceville, Ala., came to her attention. “I was so drawn by the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament,” she says. The pilgrimage site conceived and perpetuated by Mother Angelica, founder of the Eternal Word Television Network, captured her imagination, and she visited monthly for a year until finally finding a rental. “It was very simple, up in the mountains, which I loved, with a little pond. I watched the sun rise from the porch.” 

Bonnie stayed in Hanceville for two years, once again returning to Alexandria only periodically – until a leak and subsequent mold outbreak chased her from the property. Unable to find another rental in the area, she returned to Alexandria. Health concerns and top medical care are keeping her rooted there for now, but looking back on her extended stays, she says, “I really loved the adventure, sort of being led by the hand to new places.”

On the move
Brenda Royden, 68, of McLean, Va., is a seasoned traveler who has made extended trips a regular part of her life for the past decade. Next month, in fact, she’ll begin a “six weeks minimum” visit to be near a daughter who is about to give birth in Colorado. 

“We started extended-stay trips when we retired in January 2013,” she says. “The first trip was ‘local,’ three weeks in Stockbridge, Mass., and a week in Montreal and Quebec.”

That trip set the precedent for longer and more distant travel. 

“After that, it was so easy to plan trips. We headed to Spain for seven weeks that summer, visiting Madrid, Santiago de Compostela, Garabandal, San Sebastian, over the border to Lourdes, and then down to Barcelona, Perpignan, Puigcerda. We traveled by light rail, train, bus, and taxi. I loved that trip in so many ways. We felt so free!”

Brenda’s trips have taken a variety of forms: 

Several weeks in Italy and Sicily: Rome, Parma, Gargano, Lecce, Matera and Ravello.

Five weeks in Iceland, Poland and Lithuania: Warsaw, Krakow, Zakopane, Auschwitz, Vilnius, Siluva, Kaunas.

A Pacific crossing cruise from Vancouver, B.C., to Japan, with stops in Hakodate and Kushiro, then two weeks in a penthouse apartment in Shibuya, Tokyo, before visiting Kyoto.  

“I loved that trip,” she says of the cruise, “the hours on deck reading and relaxing and having all my meals prepared by someone else.” The onboard portion was trying for her husband, however, who found it “tedious, repetitive and boring. He also did not like the choppy seas, gale winds and storms.” 

“Daily Mass was celebrated in the small theater on the ship,” a rare benefit on cruises, Brenda notes, and adds that “Holland America is the only cruise line to offer it, and that is due to its relationship with the organization Apostleship of the Sea.” 

Introvert time
Cathy White, 62, also of Alexandria, owns a second home with her husband in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., where they go periodically for short stays. This past summer, Cathy, who calls herself “1,000 percent an introvert,” decided to go for a longer stay of six weeks. 

“I retired from a full-time job as an attorney and began watching my granddaughters every day for my daughter, a school teacher,” she says of a decision made more than a year ago. “As the end of the school year approached, I realized that I would have lots of free time for the first time in my adult life. I also realized that if I remained in Alexandria with my daughter and her family nearby, that free time would evaporate into lots of babysitting, outings and coverage of the girls.  

“While that would have been a joy, I really wanted to experience some unscheduled time alone with books, daily Mass and long walks on the beach. So off I went to Florida.”

Her husband visited a few times, she says, and they took a trip to Georgia, visiting Sea Island and Savannah. 

“My daughter, son-in-law and the two girls did come down for two weeks while I was there,” Cathy says, “which was a whirlwind of activity in a sea of tranquility. I enjoyed every moment but really appreciated the quiet, peace and order left in their wake.”  

Despite the gaps in her solitude, “by the time I came back to Alexandria,” Cathy says, “my batteries were recharged and I was ready to jump back into full days of Legos, diapers, naps and arts and crafts.” 

Choosing accommodations 
For our trip to Wyoming, we found an apartment on Airbnb during the exploratory stage of our planning. It fit the size and location we’d pinpointed. Then I Googled the area and rental description until I found identical photos with the property listing on an agency’s site, where we found the cost was around 20 percent less. Next we telephoned the agency to see about booking for a longer term. We learned that a visit of 30 days or more changed our stay from a short-term, hotel-style rental to a short-term lease. That meant we wouldn’t have to pay state and county lodging and sales taxes, reducing the bill by another 11 percent. Moreover, the owners agreed to a still more reduced rate in exchange for the longer booking. 

Our rental is modest and has a few drawbacks, but those are what make it affordable – and they are by far superseded by the walls of tall windows in our living area that give us views of mountains, meadows, a red fox and various moose that trot or rush past.

“We almost never stay in hotels, using Airbnb, VRBO, or the local rental office equivalent, especially in Europe,” Brenda says. “I like to see what the neighborhoods have to offer, have a fresh cup of coffee in the morning, shop at the local market, buy fresh bread, and walk to the local church. I’ve met so many people that way, and it's fun to run into someone I've met at church out and about in town later that day. The owners usually leave great recommendations for preferred restaurants, and that is a plus as well.”

Bonnie was diligent at every turn and eventually found her rentals in Rappahannock County and Alabama with the help of a real estate agent and by word of mouth.

“To plan [a trip] well is a skill and also time consuming,” Brenda pointed out. “My husband and I have split the planning based on our strengths and interests. Sometimes these roles change. We find a Catholic church with daily Mass and then look for accommodations hopefully within walking distance but usually within a few miles’ range. My husband plans all the logistics – plane, train, car mapping, etc.”

Letting go of back home
Distancing oneself from home was a common issue.

“I found the most challenging part was trying to let go of my life in Alexandria and really be present in the moment,” Cathy says. “I continued to receive updates and invitations for all the activities at home and I admit to a bit of FOMO [fear of missing out] and even thoughts of a quick plane trip home now and then. But I stuck it out and had a really relaxing time, settling into a slow routine. I found I still rose early, but built a lot of quiet time into my days.”  

I waffled between staying at the rental one bright Saturday to watch Zoom webinars connected with a commitment I’d made at home and accepting the invitation of my son and daughter-in-law to travel to another town to attend an event and see a property they’d purchased. Eventually it occurred to me that there was no contest, to carpe diem and go along with the people we’d come to visit. 

“We really try to let go,” Brenda says, “but that's not always easy.  When I'm successful, however, I return with an enlarged outlook, a better understanding of a different culture, and with several memories of our stay, but eager to resume life in my home.”

Diet
Bonnie mentions how easy it is to eat for the duration as if one were on vacation. That’s the temptation! There’s a pair of wonderfully stylish and comfortable coffee shops around here that sell pumpkin cake slices with maple icing and pain au chocolat…. 

“I had great plans for eating healthier, drinking less, etc.,” Cathy says. “But that competed with my thought that I was ‘on vacation,’ so I really didn't end up doing much better. I did exercise more,” she adds, “so maybe a net gain there.”

Brenda says, “We are pretty simple in our tastes now. We have mostly turned to a plant-based diet and vegetables are readily available in supermarkets.” She has had to make do in poorly stocked Airbnb kitchens that were missing the pots and pans she likes to use.

Time management
Out of one’s element and perhaps in a smaller living space than home, there are fewer household tasks and errands, so plenty of extra time. It’s easy to keep small quarters tidy and to swing by the grocery store when I’m out in the morning. At first I found myself at loose ends and restless while my husband worked in a corner of the living room, but was able to settle into a routine. When I’m not caring for our sweet new granddaughter or writing postcards or hosting or hiking with the family, I visit nearby Grand Teton National Park, where I have several favorite spots with outstanding views for reading, meditation, and watching for wildlife like mule deer, pronghorn antelope, bison and bugling elk. I’ve kept a list of each day’s activities in my datebook.

Cathy in Florida found she needed some structure. “I quickly learned that I had to think through a plan for each day with some small activities built in – beach walk, practice golf – or the great expanse of the day would be daunting rather than appealing,” she says. “But I tried hard not to overschedule.”

Home sweet home away from home
Making rentals feel homey is a priority for me, even in the short term. I pack photos of the family, placemats, lightweight travel candlesticks for tapers that one of my sons made for me, votives and tealights, and other personal items. I either bring along or on arrival purchase flowers for the table. A fat pumpkin makes our Wyoming rental porch welcoming. The owners' knick-knacks get stored out of sight in a drawer.  

There was only one emergency at home to report, and that comes from Brenda, who tells of a flood in their basement. Fortunately friends from Australia were borrowing their home and were able to take care of it. 

©Mary Elizabeth Naegele 2023
Photos: Wilson, Wyoming  ©Leo Naegele 

Forging and Maintaining Friendships with Grandchildren (It’s not too late!)

Silver Linings Vol. 1, No. 6
By Mary Elizabeth Naegele

Clockwise from top right: Carolyn Eppolito; Peggy Gabriel; Theresa Fagan; Marcella Hadeed; the author; Chris Goodwin; Correspondent daughter with Gram.

Our latest grandchild was born last month, a daughter to our second son and his wife. While our other grandchildren live nearby, this little lady’s address is Jackson, Wyoming – where the bison roam, the bears and the antelope play, and direct flights are extinct.  Will the geography hinder us from a solid friendship with her?

My mother had a knack for keeping in touch with her grandchildren despite our family’s diaspora. My correspondent daughter remembers, “Even though Gram lived a 12-hour drive away, and we only saw one another in person once or twice a year, we were the best of friends. We were pen pals early on. I really felt that I got to know her, her town, her life, and her friends through her writing. I still have all the letters she sent, tied in stacks with ribbons. When we did have a visit she asked about and listened with interest as I talked about my evolving interests, pursuits, friends, et cetera. Since we were writing letters, it did feel like we just picked up where we left off.” 

Marcella Hadeed, 65, of Alexandria, is “Nana” to grandchildren in California, Massachusetts, and south central Virginia. Since all four of her grandparents’ deaths preceded her birth, she’s in a sense inventing from scratch the way to navigate grandparenthood. “We didn’t have that whole layer, and it’s a huge layer.” She wants to make sure to create a very robust grandparent connection for her family. “That’s why I spend so much time going around the country spending time with them in their homes,” she said. 

Another northern Virginia grandmother, Chris Goodwin, 62, also “Nana,” has 18 grandchildren, the oldest of whom is nine, and all live within an hour of her home.  “You can’t do everything you want with each one,” she says, but she has strategies for working toward that end.  She has one-on-one time with grandchildren for birthday outings. The destination is often a nearby mall that has a carousel, train, and mini motorcycles for rent. “It’s hilarious – none of our kids take their children to the mall,” she says. On a recent visit with a five-year-old grandson, he discovered the pleasure of escalator rides. “We went up and down 10 times,” she recalls.  The birthday excursions include time in the play area, getting an ice cream, and the purchase of a small gift.  

Time with sons’ children
As so many of us have learned, there’s something to the adage, “A son’s a son ‘til he takes a wife; a daughter’s a daughter all of her life,” which can have a trickle-down effect on knowing our sons’ children. Chris echoed other friends: “We’re close to our sons and their wives, but our times together are instigated by me. We’ll say, ‘Can we come by and we’ll bring dinner?’” She notes with a laugh, “They love it, but they don’t think of it themselves.”

Marcella and her husband schedule a monthly visit to a son and his family who live two hours away.  “I want to make it regular so that it’s normal, not us arriving out of nowhere bringing a bunch of gifts.”  In fact, the gifts she and her husband typically bring are consumable: bread and cookies from a local bakery. “It’s a perfect tradition. We share the gift together, and it’s for the family,” she said.

Simple pleasures describe the activities during visits that Elizabeth Woodruff, 72, had with her four grandchildren at a cabin she and her husband own in Virginia. “There’s no TV, no wifi,” she said, so many rounds of the card game UNO were played. Elizabeth, or “Grandmother,” kept a box of odds and ends like jewelry, scarves, shoes, and office supplies for the children “to look at, talk about, ask about.  They’d use the things to tell a story, to use their imaginations.” Elizabeth was using her imagination, too, creating scavenger hunts for the kids or thinking up activities like “I’ll pay you one cent for every nail you find on the ground” during a construction project.

Similar to Elizabeth’s cabin, Chris and her husband have a river house where grandchildren visit. Following her mother’s lead, she directed a play with nine young grandchildren during an extended visit from three families this summer. Using a large supply of dress-up clothes and decorated sheets for a backdrop, they put together a production of Cinderella. “Every day we had rehearsal and at the end of the week we put on a show.” 

Bequeathing passions
During the same summer visit, Chris likewise followed her mom’s example by sharing her love of literature with her grandchildren. “I read aloud to the older kids when their parents were with the young ones. It was super-special.” She read George MacDonald books like The Princess and the Goblin and its sequel, The Princess and Curdie.

“I’ve made a point of sharing my interests with my grandchildren,” says Peggy Gabriel, 72. Peggy has the astounding privilege of 36 grandchildren (and another on the way) with whom to share. “I love to cook, so I’ve taught them how to cook different things, and I love aquariums, so I’ve helped them set up aquariums in their homes.”  She also sews, and recently made a tote bag with a granddaughter.

Time is another gift Peggy gives as “Grandma” that has borne fruit. “Every time a baby is born I stay at their homes at least a week. My oldest daughter had five C-sections, so I stayed three weeks at a time. To be able to stay that long you really get to know them, and they get to know you, too, and see how it was for their parents growing up with you.”  She hosts grandchildren for the weekend, recently having four visit while their parents had a staycation with the baby. 

“I would take off summers when I worked to babysit. I’ll do anything to connect, playing pool and ping pong, and badminton, though dashing or running is getting a little harder.”  

Theresa Fagan, 71, goes by “Grandmother” to 18 (soon to be 19) grandchildren. She stresses “logistics,” telling the story of a man from the Washington, D.C., area who loved the Jersey Shore. “When he retired he built his dream house at the shore. Then he realized he never saw his family, so he sold it and moved back.”

She herself moved with her husband from their longtime home in Maryland to a house across the street from a daughter in Virginia, putting them in proximity to seven grandchildren.  “To be close to the next generation, there can be no tension,” she advises. “You can’t make your house a museum. The house can’t be too perfect, too far or too small.”  

Unafraid of damage to worldly goods, Theresa has had grandchildren at her home for sleepovers. “They had to be at least six years old. When they were younger they’d sleep together by family, and then when they were 10, 11, 12, 13 by boys and girls.” She hosts a yearly Valentine tea for her grandchildren and daughters.

Bridging the divide
Geographical circumstances require a work-around for Carolyn Eppolito, 79, of western New York state. Nine of her 10 grandchildren live in Maine. Travel is now out of the question, so they rely on technology to bond. “Skype is our favorite way of communication. We get to see the children at play, hear about their latest project, and just banter.”  They text each other to make Skype appointments. 

One of her daughters gave birth to twins in 2019 and Carolyn, “Grandma,” had to get to know them from infancy via the screen. No visit between the two households was possible between their birth and this summer. Can video calls a friendship make? “We wondered how the twins would accept us since we’d be ‘in person,’” Carolyn says.  The proof in the pudding: “They came to us immediately. It was wonderful!”

We may have to largely go that route with our new little granddaughter in the Tetons, but for now we’re going for hands-on. Soon we’ll be driving out to Wyoming for an extended stay and plenty of hugs and kisses. We can’t wait.

Finally becoming “a real grandmother”
A woman of my acquaintance, now deceased, came into full bloom as a grandmother to six children late in life, she in her eighties and they as teenagers and older. An only child who grew up in New York City without grandparents, she seemed to need concrete examples and support.  After she joined a gathering of women called Grandmother’s Group that met monthly to discuss the various aspects of grandmotherhood,  she soon became a bonafide “Oma.” She arranged one-on-one activities with the two in Virginia and four in Florida, including taking the teenage boys to sporting events and baking with her granddaughters.  She learned from fellow grandmothers that texting was the way to keep in touch with kids, so she became a texter. She was a happy person with a full life, and making friends with her grandchildren was one of her great joys at the latter end.

Dreams fulfilled
Some grandmothers say their grandparent/grandchild relationships are dreams come true. Peggy said, “We cannot believe our blessings. This is just the way we hoped it would be, but who would have thought it would actually happen?”

Marcella Hadeed remembers watching the film Dan In Real Life and thinking, “That’s what I want for my family.” She said the traditions depicted in the movie appealed to her, like “the annual multi-generational family trip, the beautiful home, lots of activities together, shared meals at a beautifully set table, standards – no shared bedrooms until marriage – and the laughter.”

She and her husband now arrange for a large house for their six children, spouses and grandchildren to stay for an annual week at the beach. Speaking of her two oldest granddaughters, she says, “I want Ellie and Emma, wherever they are in life, to know where to be in the first week of August.”

©Mary Elizabeth Naegele 2023

Collage by Mariah Naegele

Overcoming Challenges to Unity Among Adult Children

Silver Linings Vol. 1, No. 5

By Mary Elizabeth Naegele

This is the first of a two-part series on unity in the family.

“What would you like for Christmas?” my children ask. “Unity in the family,” is my usual reply.  On Christmas morning one year, my youngest daughter, who gets on well with everyone, handed me a piece of art (see above).  Perhaps it was a bit of a joke, perhaps a hint to some of her siblings, but ah, if only it were that simple!

Rivalries, difficult temperaments, sensitive feelings, long memories of a sibling’s slights or faults mark many families. All of this takes a toll – on the children themselves, their spouses, their own children – and us! 

“I think the sharpest pang a mother can feel is when her children don’t get along,” said one friend who I’ll call Louisa.

Another, Cynthia, is one of eight siblings in their 50s and beyond from California. When they all attended a wake recently, a relative remarked on how well the eight managed to maintain relationships with each other. There have been bumps in the road, of course – maybe that’s where the saying, “Get over it!” comes from, Cynthia joked – but they work at keeping peace. Along with trying to “appreciate the unique qualities of everyone,” a major motivation for making the effort had been for the benefit of the parents, with a brother pointing out how hurtful it is to them when there’s strife among siblings and siblings-in-law.

Louisa is confident that even rocky sibling relationships “will evolve with time and maturity. Two rivals might end up getting closer due to circumstances, geography, etc.”  The key, she cautioned, is “to make sure they don’t strain the relationship now so that it will be easier to become friends later.”

She noted that “with kids living far apart, extra effort and care needs to go into fostering relationships. Encourage them to visit each other, FaceTime, remember birthdays and anniversaries, ask each other for advice.”

Welcoming your children’s spouses

Integrating in-laws into the family becomes an important mission for most 60 & Beyonders. 

Lisa, a neighbor, weary from the tension she felt between one son’s wife and another son’s girlfriend, chose to be forthright and tell the two young women to settle their differences because they were affecting the rest of the family.  And they did.

It may happen that a child marries someone from a completely different family culture or different culture altogether. An experienced mother and grandmother I’ll call Jane has a daughter-in-law who grew up with religious beliefs and political opinions very different from her husband’s. She “won’t engage” when the subjects come up at family gatherings, but “she feels accepted” just the same, Jane said. “She’s never been attacked. She doesn’t get sensitive and doesn’t react, and she sees that we don’t reject her.” Whereas Jane was concerned about the marriage beforehand, she decided “there was nowhere to go but up,” made it her “modus operandi” to spend time with her one-on-one, and is very pleased that her daughter-in-law “went out of her way to throw herself into our family.”

A child of another friend married into a family of more modest educational achievement and cultural ambition. She said the family learned to avoid topics that might make him feel they were being snobbish. Once they got to know him, they enjoyed him for his humor and generosity.

“Help your children understand that they might not be best friends with the new in-laws,” said Louisa, who has been around the block as a mother-in-law. Advise adult siblings to treat the new in-laws “with kindness and respect, and don’t expect too much closeness.”

Here, she added, “The parents’ example is critical.” Echoing Jane, she advised: “Surround all new in-laws with love and acceptance.”

Louisa said it’s also important to help siblings understand the importance of their brother’s or sister’s loyalty to his or her spouse. “If a child goes against a family tradition or takes his spouse’s side in a discussion, that should be expected and honored,” she said.  “Help the others see it as a virtue.”

A great-grandmother I know has four daughters-in-law, all very different from her.  “Their ways are not mine,” she emphasized. She tries not to think about what she likes or doesn't like about them, and just takes them as they come.

Unmarried siblings must be remembered and considered, Louisa said. They “can feel abused as babysitters and underappreciated. Or not as important as the grandkids!” 

Considering step-children

Trying to foster unity among adult children and children-in-law may be even more challenging in families that include stepchildren. These are the circumstances of a friend I’ll call Martha. 

“Although the new couple may be absolutely delirious with their love and marriage,” she said, “the kids – and that includes adult children – from the first marriage will never understand why the parents could not stay together for their sake. They have the right to feel that way.”

She continued, “Don’t be afraid to love the [step]children even if their mom is against them growing close to you. Accept that she has their first love and should have that love.” 

Martha, who advocates counseling (“a good counselor can help a lot of wounds to heal”), referred to the “cracks and fissures” among some of her children and step-children. 

“When one of them comes to us with a problem situation they have with a sibling, we definitely avoid taking sides,” she said. “We allow them to voice their discontent, but when they seek to divide us from that other child, we fall back on communication: ‘You’ve got to work this out. X should know how you feel.’”

They counsel the child to “forgive anyway, even if you don’t tell the person just yet that you’ve forgiven them,” Martha said. They point out, “You’re only hurting yourself with so much unforgiveness and anger bottled up inside.”

Forgiveness

Cynthia notes that, “[Siblings] have to respect each other’s differences, and forgive. If you don’t, you’re going to lose the relationship.”  She happens to be very good at taking the high road.

Pope Francis mentions forgiveness in families frequently. “We cannot live without forgiving one another, or at least we cannot live well, especially in the family,” he said at a Wednesday audience in 2015. “Every day we wrong one another…due to our fragility and our egoism.”

The Pope encouraged family members not to wait to forgive, but “to heal immediately the wounds we cause, to reweave the threads that we break in the family.” He likes to say that family members should always try to make peace before the end of the day: “Do not end the day in war!”

A son-in-law of a grandma I’ll call Kathleen unfortunately did not follow that path. He, their daughter and children lived at the parents’ home for many years. They’ve since moved but did not part on good terms, the son-in-law being the principal instigator.  Kathleen is disappointed but says, “It’s easier to pray for them when they’re not in your face doing the wrong things.”  

She does not discuss the difficulties with her other children. “There’s no reason for me to bother them with what’s not happening,” she said. “It wouldn’t help anything.”

Kathleen enjoys seeing her other children and their families regularly and is grateful for their friendships with her and with each other.

Maintaining discretion

“How much do we as parents share with one child what is going on in another child’s life?” wonders Louisa. “It is a balance between discretion and privacy and possibly clarifying a situation so Child B can have more empathy. Don’t share a confidence, but you can share a piece of info on an insight you may have into someone’s character. Like, ‘He’s feeling judged lately. Maybe you can just listen and encourage.’”

Theresa, another friend, agreed. “No repeating of confidences and no gossip.” She added “no prying” to the mix. 

“Gossiping is an act of terrorism,” Pope Francis said in a meditation in 2015, “because gossip is like terrorists who drop a bomb and leave. They destroy: with the tongue they destroy, they don’t make peace. But they’re clever, eh? They aren’t suicide bombers, no, no, they protect themselves well!” 

Keeping in touch

Keeping in touch electronically is a way of helping families stick together. Theresa’s family for many years has enjoyed an email newsletter they call The Family Weekly, “a way of keeping in touch that is a real blessing.” Members of the family email to the designated compiler an anecdote highlighting a success or a hardship, or send an amusing story. An email reminder is sent the day before, and the collection is then sent out to everyone. Not everyone contributes every week, and the “editor” position changes from time to time. “I love getting it,” Theresa said.

Louisa’s family has a ball on a messaging app. “It is wonderful. We share silly ideas, pictures, news, travels,” she said. “People’s personalities really come out.” 

She added that “Parents should not try to become the primary source of all info. Let the newly engaged son call his sibs, or the newly pregnant daughter tell the others,” she said, “even if it means individual phone calls.”

When it comes to getting together, “We’ve found that the usual family gatherings have to be restructured nowadays to bring about unity, “ Martha said. “We started playing games at events so that there was unity in competition.” She suggested Minute to Win It games, “which have been family game-changers. Laughter is the key, and fun memories of a shared afternoon.”  

Jane loves to cook and have the family visit, but these days she finds the full-family dinners require more stamina than she can muster. She invites one or two families at a time or she and her husband go to the homes of her children.  Theresa has had girls’ nights, inviting her daughters for a potluck and conversation that is different from visits including children and husbands.  Kathleen for many years had open-invitation Sunday dinners to which most of her children came. Now that she has downsized, they all go to a daughter’s home.

It seems clear that unity in the family is the result of thought, effort, patience, and generosity of spirit. And the cooperation of all – or most –  members! Time, prayer, direct appeals to the difficult ones, and family counseling all are antidotes that have helped the friends I interviewed. 

Martha, who is naturally gracious and optimistic, accustomed to giving the benefit of the doubt and making excuses for others, says that in the end, “Love is the key to all interactions. If you can smile through a bad situation, you’re halfway there.”